As promised, "Crazy Land". Picture Vanilla Sky/12 Monkeys meets The Office. (This is my pitch to any tv execs looking for a new concept).
It's a reality show with schzophrenic (sp!) tendancies. The cast of characters are real, the situations are real, the crazyness is real. The spin, using actors & actresses in the place of the real people.
For example, my character, Jeanne Patterson is played by 2 actresses. I choose Beyonce for "the upgrade" and the "Monster" actress (whose name eludes me at the moment but will appear in a minute) as "the reality". I, Jeanne Patterson, will narrate (like Desperate Housewives)...
ok, so now you are thinking - she realllly needs to get a life & turn the tv off. yeppers. but it's about the only way to get through an enormously ridiculous situation. let the ole' imagination run wild with it.
so in the upgrade, Beyonce is dancing around in white, moving cases of Fritos like they are empty & wired together (which of course, they are). It's July, and she's barely breaking a sweat. singing and dancing. It's a hot number for all the adolescent males out there - white booty shorts, a skimpy tank top - oh yeah, the upgrade. Cut, print. now the reality. Our Monster actress, looking like she did in that movie, sweating like a pig, dirty, hair frazzled due to the humidity, wrestling cases of Fritos which weigh a ton. a tower of chips falls, the cursing like a sailor - all bleeped out of course. cut, print. this is hilariously funny if you work in the industry - since the upgrade is what the recruiters would have you believe.... and just think if you want to hire, all men would love to work with Beyonce, all women would want to look like her.
This could be filmed as cameo shots, then pieced together for a weekly series.
There's winter scenes - Beyonce driving a totally pimped out Frito truck - flashy rims, big tires, leather upholstery, great sound system - great graphics, the works. oh yeah, lemme let you upgrade. She wearing a white fur jacket, going down perfectly clear roads with snow all plowed away.
Reality, a worn out spare truck with no heater and an exhaust leak (causing carbon monoxide exposure) during an ice storm. My truck is in the shop because Frito doesn't want to buy a pair of tires due to budget constraints. I swear Frito was trying to kill me. driving on a narrow, winding country road, no heat, 12 degrees outside, sleet turning to ice on my wind shield. armed with a can of de icer, I made my way back to the mechanic. Frito offered to rent a spare truck rather than get tires. where does this make sense? Crazy Land, of course. The cost of a spare would be three times the cost of a pair of tires, but comes from a different budget. for God's sake, get a grip. I had them take the tires off the hazardous spare truck & put them on my truck so I could keep my windshield from freezing over.
yes, this is where the Zone management tells us to make sure we stay hydrated in the winter. I tell them of course it's harder than summer since the water bottles in my truck are always frozen. The zone managers give me the oddest looks when I say this - like "Huh? did she say the water is frozen in her truck?" yes, and that's the way it is, in reality, in Crazy Land.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
When is a raise Not a Raise?
Your hypothetical question for the day: When is a raise not a raise? When it's in the Frito Empire. As a route sales rep, my pay is 100% commission on this route. It's a flat rate 11% on sales. So when Frito raises the price on chips, I get a raise. Hypothetically. The problem is, when the prices go up, the sales go down. oh dear. so there's not really a raise until customers get so dang hungry for potato chips they just eat it. or there's a snow scare. For some reason, snow in the state of Missouri has the ferocious potential of a rabid pit bull. Now, this is different from an ice storm, like the one in '07 that killed electricity to house for 13 days. But snow seems to make everyone go crazy to get stuff. yikes! there's an inch of snow, we need potato chips, STAT!!! works for me, Go Frito!
So when the price on chips is so high that sales stall and go into a tail spin, what does management do? Logic would say, if costs have gone down, just as fuel costs.. then the price of the chips should go down. ahhh, but that was pitched to the route folks as a raise, so Frito can't take away the so called raise, even though it depressed the hell out of sales, which lowered the income, therefore, a raise that's not a raise. Makes sense in Frito land. So the next step? make the bags bigger and keep the price the same until the hungry slobs pay for the chips without the 20% bigger bag label. The American consumer really is as dumb as a post. me included.
next blog, my vision of Frito, "Crazy Land" with a giant thank you to Will Ferrell in Zoolander - - that's where I am..... Craaazy Land.
So when the price on chips is so high that sales stall and go into a tail spin, what does management do? Logic would say, if costs have gone down, just as fuel costs.. then the price of the chips should go down. ahhh, but that was pitched to the route folks as a raise, so Frito can't take away the so called raise, even though it depressed the hell out of sales, which lowered the income, therefore, a raise that's not a raise. Makes sense in Frito land. So the next step? make the bags bigger and keep the price the same until the hungry slobs pay for the chips without the 20% bigger bag label. The American consumer really is as dumb as a post. me included.
next blog, my vision of Frito, "Crazy Land" with a giant thank you to Will Ferrell in Zoolander - - that's where I am..... Craaazy Land.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The Rise & Fall of the Frito Empire
History failed to be learned is doomed to repeat. or some such crap. The point is, if you don't learn from your mistakes, or the mistakes of others, all you are is a hamster in an exercise wheel.
My point? The drum roll... and a history lesson from a person in the cast of characters.
Years ago, I was hired right out of college to work at Xerox Corporation. Wow. I was jazzed. Xerox was a great company, fantastic products, a future. In 1979, Xerox OWNED the marketplace in small copiers. 92% marketshare is total domination. There's nothing like being part of a freefall into the toilet to make a person sensitive to management stupidity. And losing as much marketshare as Xerox did could only be management stupidity. "We make the best dang buggy whips around and that's exactly what we are going to keep doing!" Picture the ostrich with it's head in the sand, denial of a problem. or better yet....hiring cheerleaders as managers. but that's another story.
So, decades later, after running and selling my own successful business, I am back in the ranks of the corporate employees. And still sensitive to the stupidity of managers that have no idea what their decisions are doing.
And so, to the Rise and Fall of the Frito Empire, I salute you. Yes, with that finger.
Frito has made the dubious decision to hire in managers, rather than promote from the ranks of the folks that have actually DONE the job. Oh, I hear HR & middle managers shouting, no wait, that's not what we are doing! uh, yeah, that's what you are doing. When you hire from the outside, no matter at what level, you are freezing the manpower into their current spot. You are hiring people that have no idea what the business is actually about at the front line. and yes, "front line" is TWO words. talk about ignorant. like not knowing the difference between their and there. "Frontline" is a trade name for fipronil, a material used to control fleas and ticks on dogs & cats. or a tv show. but I rant...
So I sit in the front line, slinging potato chips in grocery stores and c stores, wondering how long it will take before the empire collapses upon itself.
In the old days, when the economy started to turn sour, management was compressed to cut overhead. ahh, but in the Xerox model, when business gets bad, the corporation ADDS managers! get out them buggy whips. and so Frito is repeating history. Business is bad, so let's add more managers. Instead of a district sales leader having more heads to watch, let's add recent college graduates with no experience to be additional managers. huh? in what reality does that make sense? oh that's right, the cheerleader reality. you know the one - "Go Team Go". The ultimate filters of reality, the cheerleader. The team is down 114 to 60 and the cheerleaders are out there jumping around, yelling and screaming for their losing team to go, go, go, they can do it! and so the downfall of the American economy can be ultimately traced to the rise of the American cheerleader in business. You don't shoot the messenger if the messenger is a cheerleader, since the news is never bad!
I do like my Frito gig, generally. I do my job, I get left alone. It's just when I am told that my tenure in the company is not as valuable as a recent college graduate, since recent college graduates have more relevant experience because they were members of fraternities. again, what reality does that make sense in? I liked my job better when I had the illusion of opportunity. Opportunity for advancement. Getting off the truck before I was too broken down to do other jobs within the company.
so why "The Rise & Fall of the Frito Empire" - - history is repeating itself. and all I can see is potato chips that have been priced out of the reach of the everyday consumer. Potato chips as a luxury item. When I see customers WANT that bag of Lays so bad, but tell me over and over, "I just can't pay $4 for a bag of potato chips", and Frito comes up with a smaller bag, rather than cut overhead (that would mean people that don't actually touch a bag of chips that makes the profit for the company would need to go) so the price can come down. We are just ripe for another company to come in and take away our marketshare. Take away our lunch and kick sand in our collective faces. But add another manager that "read it in a book" and all will be well. uh huh... in what reality?
My point? The drum roll... and a history lesson from a person in the cast of characters.
Years ago, I was hired right out of college to work at Xerox Corporation. Wow. I was jazzed. Xerox was a great company, fantastic products, a future. In 1979, Xerox OWNED the marketplace in small copiers. 92% marketshare is total domination. There's nothing like being part of a freefall into the toilet to make a person sensitive to management stupidity. And losing as much marketshare as Xerox did could only be management stupidity. "We make the best dang buggy whips around and that's exactly what we are going to keep doing!" Picture the ostrich with it's head in the sand, denial of a problem. or better yet....hiring cheerleaders as managers. but that's another story.
So, decades later, after running and selling my own successful business, I am back in the ranks of the corporate employees. And still sensitive to the stupidity of managers that have no idea what their decisions are doing.
And so, to the Rise and Fall of the Frito Empire, I salute you. Yes, with that finger.
Frito has made the dubious decision to hire in managers, rather than promote from the ranks of the folks that have actually DONE the job. Oh, I hear HR & middle managers shouting, no wait, that's not what we are doing! uh, yeah, that's what you are doing. When you hire from the outside, no matter at what level, you are freezing the manpower into their current spot. You are hiring people that have no idea what the business is actually about at the front line. and yes, "front line" is TWO words. talk about ignorant. like not knowing the difference between their and there. "Frontline" is a trade name for fipronil, a material used to control fleas and ticks on dogs & cats. or a tv show. but I rant...
So I sit in the front line, slinging potato chips in grocery stores and c stores, wondering how long it will take before the empire collapses upon itself.
In the old days, when the economy started to turn sour, management was compressed to cut overhead. ahh, but in the Xerox model, when business gets bad, the corporation ADDS managers! get out them buggy whips. and so Frito is repeating history. Business is bad, so let's add more managers. Instead of a district sales leader having more heads to watch, let's add recent college graduates with no experience to be additional managers. huh? in what reality does that make sense? oh that's right, the cheerleader reality. you know the one - "Go Team Go". The ultimate filters of reality, the cheerleader. The team is down 114 to 60 and the cheerleaders are out there jumping around, yelling and screaming for their losing team to go, go, go, they can do it! and so the downfall of the American economy can be ultimately traced to the rise of the American cheerleader in business. You don't shoot the messenger if the messenger is a cheerleader, since the news is never bad!
I do like my Frito gig, generally. I do my job, I get left alone. It's just when I am told that my tenure in the company is not as valuable as a recent college graduate, since recent college graduates have more relevant experience because they were members of fraternities. again, what reality does that make sense in? I liked my job better when I had the illusion of opportunity. Opportunity for advancement. Getting off the truck before I was too broken down to do other jobs within the company.
so why "The Rise & Fall of the Frito Empire" - - history is repeating itself. and all I can see is potato chips that have been priced out of the reach of the everyday consumer. Potato chips as a luxury item. When I see customers WANT that bag of Lays so bad, but tell me over and over, "I just can't pay $4 for a bag of potato chips", and Frito comes up with a smaller bag, rather than cut overhead (that would mean people that don't actually touch a bag of chips that makes the profit for the company would need to go) so the price can come down. We are just ripe for another company to come in and take away our marketshare. Take away our lunch and kick sand in our collective faces. But add another manager that "read it in a book" and all will be well. uh huh... in what reality?
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Day One
Years ago, when in high school, an aptitude test was given to all graduating seniors. The test results would direct you to careers for your success. So what happens when you are in 100% in all the sections? That's no direction at all. "You can do anything you want to"... Wouldn't it be easier if I was stupid? Then there would be limits to my aspirations. I could be a dishwasher or a cook if I had the aptitude. So with no help whatsoever, off I was thrown into life. Fly little bird, Fly.
Currently, I am buried in a job that could be titled, "The Rise and Fall of the Frito Empire". There's nothing more grounding than be stuck in a low paying, dead end job, with no hope of advancement where you are told nearly daily, "be grateful you have a job". Especially when I have 15 years experience as a VP/CFO of a multimillion dollar corporation and a Master's degree from Pepperdine University. Yep, working for less than $10 an hour can really make you feel grounded, all right.
How in the world did I land here? by choice of course. After 9/11, I fled LA LA land for good. There's nothing like feeling you are living under a giant target, just waiting for a terrorist attack to kill you and your family. I was born and raised in Southern California, a post card perfect life. When you skip past the Watts riots and Rodney King riots... My mother, God bless her, bought some land, waaay out in the woods after the Watts riots. When you can see the glow of the fires burning down the cities, you think about things like a place to get away. After 9/11, it just seemed like it was time to do a reverse migration from California. It wasn't a sudden move, it had been planned for several years as "what we will do when it's time to retire", it's just that 9/11 put into operation, NOW.
What happens during a reverse migration? For all the best laid plans, there are giant potholes waiting to swallow you. All you can do is pull yourself out of them, modify plans and keep going. I am where I want to be. The job sucks. The so called "benefits" are awful. But I do have a job. It mostly pays the bills, but isn't what I was told it would be. Welcome to life. If the plans had worked right, I wouldn't be working at all, I'd be retired, playing farmer. Far, far away from the crowded cities and violence. Safe. That part is true and makes it all worth it.
Currently, I am buried in a job that could be titled, "The Rise and Fall of the Frito Empire". There's nothing more grounding than be stuck in a low paying, dead end job, with no hope of advancement where you are told nearly daily, "be grateful you have a job". Especially when I have 15 years experience as a VP/CFO of a multimillion dollar corporation and a Master's degree from Pepperdine University. Yep, working for less than $10 an hour can really make you feel grounded, all right.
How in the world did I land here? by choice of course. After 9/11, I fled LA LA land for good. There's nothing like feeling you are living under a giant target, just waiting for a terrorist attack to kill you and your family. I was born and raised in Southern California, a post card perfect life. When you skip past the Watts riots and Rodney King riots... My mother, God bless her, bought some land, waaay out in the woods after the Watts riots. When you can see the glow of the fires burning down the cities, you think about things like a place to get away. After 9/11, it just seemed like it was time to do a reverse migration from California. It wasn't a sudden move, it had been planned for several years as "what we will do when it's time to retire", it's just that 9/11 put into operation, NOW.
What happens during a reverse migration? For all the best laid plans, there are giant potholes waiting to swallow you. All you can do is pull yourself out of them, modify plans and keep going. I am where I want to be. The job sucks. The so called "benefits" are awful. But I do have a job. It mostly pays the bills, but isn't what I was told it would be. Welcome to life. If the plans had worked right, I wouldn't be working at all, I'd be retired, playing farmer. Far, far away from the crowded cities and violence. Safe. That part is true and makes it all worth it.
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